Protagonists Suffer
by Goldtiger
Summary: Being the center of attention in a game is not that awesome... This can be considered a satire or mockery, but it's purely for humor. The content is 100% fictional.


**A/N I'm already busy with community work and the demands of others, yet I still have time to think up of this random nonsense.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own KH or any of its characters. **

SORA VS RIKU

"Hyahh!" Sora cried, swinging his wooden sword with all his might.

"Ha! Not so fast!" shouted Riku who taunted proceeded to hit Sora in the face with his weapon.

"Cmon! Is that all you-"

"HOLD IT!"

"Huh?"

"Let's think about this. I swing a sword at you, but it's blocked when you make a hand gesture?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Where in the laws of physics does it state that you negate an attack by flaunting your ego? In fact, where in the laws of ANYTHING is this possible?"

"You're exaggerating."

"Riku, say something."

"Why shoul-" In an instant, Sora aimed a kick at Riku's jewels, but a transparent barrier forced his foot back.

"..."

"..."

"I hate this game."

SORA AND THE HEARTLESS

"Oh my God! Riku, what the hell are you doing! Get away from these weird things already!"

_**Ahem.**_

"Oh! Kairi too! Where is she?"

The white-haired boy only responded by stretching out his hand to Sora and disappearing into a vortex of darkness.

"RIKU!...argh! These black monsters keep appearing!"

Sora was quickly overwhelmed by them, and stretched his hand out of instinct.

"Sweet! It's one of those moments where I get an awesome power-up and kick ass! What's it called...oh! That jutsu!"

In a flash of light, Sora held in his hands...a giant key.

"...What? What am I going to do with this! Open my front door?"

At that moment, the last block of his health vanished, and Sora was thrust backwards in slow motion.

"...I really hate this game."

GAME OVER SCREEN

"What the hell! A sparkling heart! Is Stephenie Meyer programming this game or what!"

SORA VS LEON

"They'll come at you out of nowhere."

"Hey, way to stand there and not help. I don't mind that I had to kick ass by myself. No sirree..wait, what the hell is that?" Sora asked, pointing at Leon's weapon.

"This? It's my Gunblade."

"...So let me get this straight. You, a minor character that was mainly put in here for fanservice, gets a badass weapon that crosses between a firearm and a blade. I, the protagonist, get a key though.

"Why would it choose a kid like you?"

"Are you even listening?"

In a split second, Leon drew his weapon and deftly struck Sora in the face. His health bar instantly disappeared, and he lost.

"How is this even fair?"

SORA AND THE COLOSSEUM

"Sorry kid, but you're not hero quality yet! So I've got two words for ya: You. Can't. Compete!"

Sora facepalmed.

"I'm wearing ridiculous clothes an sporting an oversized key. What part of me DOESN'T scream main character?"

"Oh please, you're probably overcompensating with that metal club of yours."

"And the clothes?"

"You're most likely gay."

"..."

"Did somebody say GAY?"

"Axel, go to hell and wait for the sequel."

"I'll take care of that."

"Not in the literal sense, Hades."

SORA THE DELIVERY BOY

"Haven't you realized it yet, Sora? I'm the true keyblade master."

"No, that's not true!"

"Oh, really?" Riku asked, stretching his right arm out. The weapon our hero held reacted, and suddenly, the key flashed out of Sora's grasp and into Riku's claws.

"Hm! You were never the real deal. You were only a delivery boy."

"TIME OUT!"

"Now what?"

"Let me get this straight. You disappear from home into a black portal, somehow think I'm at fault for Kairi's situation, and you're putting the blame on me. So instead of just whipping out the keyblade in the beginning, you make me go through all these trials to bring you a weapon you could've just taken out at any second, making me stronger in the process."

"I don't see a problem with that."

"That's the point. You can't. Instead, the entire plot is aggregation of problems that you can't focus on one certain part."

"Sora, I never took you as a buzzkill."

"Can we skip to the game credits, please?"

SORA VS ANSEM

"I shall rule over the worlds! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Dude, bad move."

Ansem stopped laughing.

"What do you mean?"

"It's common sense to not laugh during a battle. I could swing in and chop your head off at any moment while you're busy guffawing like a douche."

"You? Hurt me? AHAHAHA-"

"HA! I GOT YOU NOW!"

In a fluid motion, Sora deftly swung the legendary keyblade at Ansem's neck, but out of nowhere, a massive heartless blocked him, and there was a resounding 'TING'.

"..."

"..."

"Someone kill me now."

GAME CREDITS

Game directed by Joel Schumacher

"That explains a lot."

**A/N HAHAHAHAH...what? I found it funny. =/ Anyways, if you don't know who Joel Schumacher is, please refer to Batman and Robin the movie on Wikipedia. Some of the stuff I focus on is actually in the game, and certain dialogue is based off the script from the first game. Sorry if it's not 100% accurate, but I haven't played the game in quite a while now, so I don't remember the details. R&R!**


End file.
